The Cutest baby going round.
EveryMorning
9 years ago
Life
Where do you find the words to console someone from the passing of a loved one.
When someone loses a life even if you don't know them or they are a friend of a friend or someone from the same area, your heart automatically stops.
That could be your father or sister or brother, It could be your best friends sister.
It doesn't matter but either way it makes you think when is it my turn?.. my turn to lose a loved one and when it is my turn how will i ever deal with it?
I know that it is life but it takes you back to the thought that we all take it for granted, our problems are never as big as they seem and we need to remind ourselves of that.
Last night a old school friends sister was killed in a car accident.
Today my brother and his wife had a baby.
Life is so fragile.
When someone loses a life even if you don't know them or they are a friend of a friend or someone from the same area, your heart automatically stops.
That could be your father or sister or brother, It could be your best friends sister.
It doesn't matter but either way it makes you think when is it my turn?.. my turn to lose a loved one and when it is my turn how will i ever deal with it?
I know that it is life but it takes you back to the thought that we all take it for granted, our problems are never as big as they seem and we need to remind ourselves of that.
Last night a old school friends sister was killed in a car accident.
Today my brother and his wife had a baby.
Life is so fragile.
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Have a firm handshake.
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Look people in the eye.
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Sing in the shower.
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Own a great stereo system.
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Keep secrets.
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Never give up on anybody.
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Always accept an outstretched hand.
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Be brave.
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Whistle.
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Avoid sarcastic remarks.
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Choose your life’s mate carefully.
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Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
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Lend only those books you never care to see again.
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Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
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When playing games with children, let them win.
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Give people a second chance, but not a third.
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Be romantic.
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Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
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Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as
important as it first seems.
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Don’t allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It’s there for our
convenience, not the caller’s.
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Be a good loser.
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Be a good winner.
·
Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
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When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
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Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
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Keep it simple.
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Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
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Don’t burn bridges. You’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross
the same river.
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Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you’ll regret the things
you didn’t do more than the one’s you did.
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Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
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Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to
acknowledge those who helped you.
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Take charge of your attitude.
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Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
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Once in a while, take the scenic route.
·
Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, ‘Someone who thinks you’re
terrific.’
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Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
·
Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas
sometimes strike at 3 a.m.
·
Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how
trivial their job.
·
Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
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Become someone’s hero.
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Marry only for love.
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Count your blessings.
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Compliment the meal when you’re a guest in someone’s home.
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Don’t expect life to be fair
The Church
What could i possibly say about 'The Church'?
You hear the stories but you don't really understand, The Church is madness.
It is what it sounds like.. an old church, converted into a club which is only open for 3 hours on a sunday afternoon.
We went for Carlie's birthday/ Australia day.
We dressed up and started the drinking at 11am. Game on.
Every single person is in dress up and they are all drunk, oh and they are all Aussies.
What we all witnessed in that club was something we hadnt before.
There are huge screens all over the place that screen girls in the crowd until they flash the entire club, we had a black male stripper who was the biggest i have ever seen, the boys also go their more than fair share with a female stripper and contests that got girls on stage to bend over and pick up things with their teeth and no hands and strip... Boobs were definitely the flavour of the day and i imagine this is the standard.
Rachel and i thought it would be a good idea to steal peoples costumes... we got quite a loot in the end with 4 hats, 2 necklaces, 1 bandana and a fake horses head... i had to flash and kiss 2 boys in order to get this and in any other place i would have been embarrased if that is how it went down but The Church is a different paying field where anything goes.
Boys would just walk past you and kiss you to see how it would go.. you cant pull that shit in some places.
Our four hours were up and we decided to watch Man Utd beat Aresnal, we went home and continued the drinking... we all had to work the next day but it was defintely worth it.
So it is fair to say that we cannot wait to go back.
You hear the stories but you don't really understand, The Church is madness.
It is what it sounds like.. an old church, converted into a club which is only open for 3 hours on a sunday afternoon.
We went for Carlie's birthday/ Australia day.
We dressed up and started the drinking at 11am. Game on.
Every single person is in dress up and they are all drunk, oh and they are all Aussies.
What we all witnessed in that club was something we hadnt before.
There are huge screens all over the place that screen girls in the crowd until they flash the entire club, we had a black male stripper who was the biggest i have ever seen, the boys also go their more than fair share with a female stripper and contests that got girls on stage to bend over and pick up things with their teeth and no hands and strip... Boobs were definitely the flavour of the day and i imagine this is the standard.
Rachel and i thought it would be a good idea to steal peoples costumes... we got quite a loot in the end with 4 hats, 2 necklaces, 1 bandana and a fake horses head... i had to flash and kiss 2 boys in order to get this and in any other place i would have been embarrased if that is how it went down but The Church is a different paying field where anything goes.
Boys would just walk past you and kiss you to see how it would go.. you cant pull that shit in some places.
Our four hours were up and we decided to watch Man Utd beat Aresnal, we went home and continued the drinking... we all had to work the next day but it was defintely worth it.
Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away!
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care. About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there." With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there in the wide open air.Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And then things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too.
OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't. Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch.
You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then,that you'll be in a Slump.And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're dark. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or the waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow.Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for the wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.
I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too.Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl.
On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike, And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act.Just never foget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care. About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there." With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there in the wide open air.Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And then things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too.
OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't. Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch.
You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then,that you'll be in a Slump.And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're dark. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or the waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow.Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for the wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.
I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too.Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl.
On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike, And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act.Just never foget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
How different this post is going to be from my last.
I have lost myself. reverting back to old habits and letting the cracks show.
I thought that i was good but maybe I'm not, my actions are definitely proving the worst and i can even explain them, i feel like i am making excuses.
The last time i did this or felt this shit was basically a year ago to date and i hate to think how i dealt with it back then because it wasnt good. It was 1 step forward and 3 steps back.
How do i break that particular habit, where do i find the strength, why do i find the need..
I am trying to be as open as i can be, will that be the difference, if i put it in writing then maybe it will take the pressure off of keeping it inside.
I literally just want to block myself off again, not say anything. I know that is not the way but its the one i want to use. My comfort zone. my stupid fucking comfort zone.
I have lost myself. reverting back to old habits and letting the cracks show.
I thought that i was good but maybe I'm not, my actions are definitely proving the worst and i can even explain them, i feel like i am making excuses.
The last time i did this or felt this shit was basically a year ago to date and i hate to think how i dealt with it back then because it wasnt good. It was 1 step forward and 3 steps back.
How do i break that particular habit, where do i find the strength, why do i find the need..
I am trying to be as open as i can be, will that be the difference, if i put it in writing then maybe it will take the pressure off of keeping it inside.
I literally just want to block myself off again, not say anything. I know that is not the way but its the one i want to use. My comfort zone. my stupid fucking comfort zone.
I keep meaning to write a post that sums up what is happening over here.
This part of my life has been really important for my growth and i know i sound like a massive wanker but i feel like i am finally becoming who i want to be and actually knowing it is happening is kinda cool.
I essentially haven't changed, i will be the Tracey that everyone knows back home but improved. I have gained a new confidence over here and i have no idea how to explain it but i feel much more secure in myself then i ever have.
Take me back to 3 years ago and i would not have thought i would be living and working in London.
I really want to take advantage of everything that is happening over here, i want to go out on weeknights and see that amazing act in a Open Mic night, i want to go to the pub and watch a football match, i want to be excited when my new team wins, i want to embrace the cold, i want to have shit days over here so when i good one comes along i know i will appreciate it, i want to miss home because i need that feeling so i get back there, i want make mistakes with boys so i know what i really want.
Last year really tested me, in basically every single way right up until the end and while some very shit things happened i will only remember the ones that will impact my life for the future.. my bag getting stolen? what of it, i don't laugh at that situation and i doubt i ever will but it was such a lesson to learn and while i could have done without the heart ache i rarely even think of it anymore.
I guess what i think now is " how the fuck will i top last year?" but i guess thats not really the point is it? i could never compare last year to what this year is going to be, the only way i could would be to do exactly the same thing over again which i would never do.
I found a home i didnt think i would ever have here. I found a family in my flatmates and i am finally finding myself.
This part of my life has been really important for my growth and i know i sound like a massive wanker but i feel like i am finally becoming who i want to be and actually knowing it is happening is kinda cool.
I essentially haven't changed, i will be the Tracey that everyone knows back home but improved. I have gained a new confidence over here and i have no idea how to explain it but i feel much more secure in myself then i ever have.
Take me back to 3 years ago and i would not have thought i would be living and working in London.
I really want to take advantage of everything that is happening over here, i want to go out on weeknights and see that amazing act in a Open Mic night, i want to go to the pub and watch a football match, i want to be excited when my new team wins, i want to embrace the cold, i want to have shit days over here so when i good one comes along i know i will appreciate it, i want to miss home because i need that feeling so i get back there, i want make mistakes with boys so i know what i really want.
Last year really tested me, in basically every single way right up until the end and while some very shit things happened i will only remember the ones that will impact my life for the future.. my bag getting stolen? what of it, i don't laugh at that situation and i doubt i ever will but it was such a lesson to learn and while i could have done without the heart ache i rarely even think of it anymore.
I guess what i think now is " how the fuck will i top last year?" but i guess thats not really the point is it? i could never compare last year to what this year is going to be, the only way i could would be to do exactly the same thing over again which i would never do.
I found a home i didnt think i would ever have here. I found a family in my flatmates and i am finally finding myself.
2012
New years eve!
what a night and a night that i dont think i will be re-inacting anytime soon.
Stumbling everywhere.
It was such a love hate thing, i hated being 'that person', you know the highest person in the club but i had such a fantastic night.
Koko delivered and Dog is Dead were such an act to see.
The key is to literally hold no expectations for the night. I didnt and it was one of the best NYE's i have had in a while.
Good location, good music and good people... plus i got to see Matt shuffle.
2012 i am ready to start.
what a night and a night that i dont think i will be re-inacting anytime soon.
Stumbling everywhere.
It was such a love hate thing, i hated being 'that person', you know the highest person in the club but i had such a fantastic night.
Koko delivered and Dog is Dead were such an act to see.
The key is to literally hold no expectations for the night. I didnt and it was one of the best NYE's i have had in a while.
Good location, good music and good people... plus i got to see Matt shuffle.
2012 i am ready to start.
A new year approaches
How does the year go so fast?
this was suppose to be the year I had been waiting 2 years for and now that is 3 years ago?
This is my 24th year, my almost mid 20's year, the year my little newphew is welcomed into the world, the year i go home, the year i travel Europe.. this is the 1st NY in a long time where i wont look back on the year amd think to my self " What the fuck did i do this year?" because if i did then i am instantly refeshed of all the amazing things that happened to me this year.
If i go right back i remember the rough times.. Khalan, my beautiful niece that never got to be, a scare with a breast lump, another scare with potential cervical cancer, losing all my loved belongings to some dickheads in Peru. I think this year has actaully been the year i have cried the most since i had depression but it has also been the most fullfilling year, i have been and done so much, never laughed, smiled, shopped, got high, got drunk as much as i have this year.
Its sad to think that it is over but i am half way through this experience so not all is lost, i am still going to look back on 2012 and feel like i accomplished something.
this was suppose to be the year I had been waiting 2 years for and now that is 3 years ago?
This is my 24th year, my almost mid 20's year, the year my little newphew is welcomed into the world, the year i go home, the year i travel Europe.. this is the 1st NY in a long time where i wont look back on the year amd think to my self " What the fuck did i do this year?" because if i did then i am instantly refeshed of all the amazing things that happened to me this year.
If i go right back i remember the rough times.. Khalan, my beautiful niece that never got to be, a scare with a breast lump, another scare with potential cervical cancer, losing all my loved belongings to some dickheads in Peru. I think this year has actaully been the year i have cried the most since i had depression but it has also been the most fullfilling year, i have been and done so much, never laughed, smiled, shopped, got high, got drunk as much as i have this year.
Its sad to think that it is over but i am half way through this experience so not all is lost, i am still going to look back on 2012 and feel like i accomplished something.
The Winter Chill
Fuck me its cold.
Like almost ready to go home cold.. but i dont have any money.
I keep on forgetting that i need to write about things that i am doing here, if i dont i will forget and this blog for this portion of time is meaningless... to a point anyway.
So i went on my first pub crawl the other night, Christmas themed, I had a really good time, stole some candles, had a mayo fight and got told one of the nicest things someone has ever said to me (not entirely sure that that sentence made sense, Fuck it).
I dont really want to go on about it but when i look back on this i want to remember it and remember the feeling of being so shocked as it totally took me by surprise. My new friend Patchy, right.. we have this relationship where we play hate one another, basically like the relationships i share with most boys.. anyway we had been pretend fighting all night when at one of the last bars he tells me that i am a "waste".. now when i heard that i was like " EXCUSE ME?" - doing the usual banter however he continued to tell me that i was a waste that no one had snatched me up and that i was still single, he told that i was really personable and it that he couldnt believe that i wasnt taken.. this would seem creepy and like a slight pick up line if he hadn't been in a relationship but he is and very happily i might add so to hear this it really made my night/ week really. So there is it the nicest thing someone had said to me that came out of nowhere.
Moving on... I went Ice Skating at Tower of London with Chico, Tess, Bridget and 2 other lovely girls that i cant remember their names.. Saw Chico fell, the funniest thing i have seen in a while, he is such an athlete but when it came to ice skating the kid couldnt find his bearings. it was fantastic.
We had our party. A close call with the cops. A lot of permanent maker drawings on my back. Some very bad photos they will not and should not be released to public. Men dressed as women. People dressed as pigs, cats, preists, devils, Princess, Nuns, School Girls. My first back hand slap across some dudes face. Some lesbian hitting on me and a very bad confetti gun.
I went to a free gig for some Sth African Band.. they were ok but it was free so i did mind so much.
I have been the poorest i have ever been in my life and quite worried that i would not be able to pay for rent as i didnt have a job. I never want to be that poor again.
I had a sunday session in Camden. I danced in a box to the Spice Girls in Shoreditch. Played Jenga in a Music store.
I am sure there is more and i will post photos but right now i am cold and i need to turn the light off and go to bed.
Like almost ready to go home cold.. but i dont have any money.
I keep on forgetting that i need to write about things that i am doing here, if i dont i will forget and this blog for this portion of time is meaningless... to a point anyway.
So i went on my first pub crawl the other night, Christmas themed, I had a really good time, stole some candles, had a mayo fight and got told one of the nicest things someone has ever said to me (not entirely sure that that sentence made sense, Fuck it).
I dont really want to go on about it but when i look back on this i want to remember it and remember the feeling of being so shocked as it totally took me by surprise. My new friend Patchy, right.. we have this relationship where we play hate one another, basically like the relationships i share with most boys.. anyway we had been pretend fighting all night when at one of the last bars he tells me that i am a "waste".. now when i heard that i was like " EXCUSE ME?" - doing the usual banter however he continued to tell me that i was a waste that no one had snatched me up and that i was still single, he told that i was really personable and it that he couldnt believe that i wasnt taken.. this would seem creepy and like a slight pick up line if he hadn't been in a relationship but he is and very happily i might add so to hear this it really made my night/ week really. So there is it the nicest thing someone had said to me that came out of nowhere.
Moving on... I went Ice Skating at Tower of London with Chico, Tess, Bridget and 2 other lovely girls that i cant remember their names.. Saw Chico fell, the funniest thing i have seen in a while, he is such an athlete but when it came to ice skating the kid couldnt find his bearings. it was fantastic.
We had our party. A close call with the cops. A lot of permanent maker drawings on my back. Some very bad photos they will not and should not be released to public. Men dressed as women. People dressed as pigs, cats, preists, devils, Princess, Nuns, School Girls. My first back hand slap across some dudes face. Some lesbian hitting on me and a very bad confetti gun.
I went to a free gig for some Sth African Band.. they were ok but it was free so i did mind so much.
I have been the poorest i have ever been in my life and quite worried that i would not be able to pay for rent as i didnt have a job. I never want to be that poor again.
I had a sunday session in Camden. I danced in a box to the Spice Girls in Shoreditch. Played Jenga in a Music store.
I am sure there is more and i will post photos but right now i am cold and i need to turn the light off and go to bed.
There is no escape. You can't be a vagabond and an artist and still be a solid citizen, a wholesome, upstanding man. You want to get drunk, so you accept the hangover. You say yes to the sunlight and your pure fantasies, so you have to say yes to the filth and and the nausea. Everything is within you, gold and mud, happiness and paid, the laughter of childhood and the apprehension of death. Say yes to everything, shirk nothing, don't try and lie to yourself. You are not a solid citizen, you are not a greek, you are not harmonious, or the master of yourself, you are a bird in the storm. Let it Storm! Let it drive you! how much have you lied! A thousand times, even in your poems and books, you have played the harmonious man, the wise man, the happy, the enlightened man. In the same way, men attacking in war have played heroes, while their bowels twitched. My god, what a poor ape, what a fencer in the mirror, man is- particularly the artist- particularly the poet-particularly myself!
Today was a good day..
How about this week has been a good week...
Firstly its Friday tomorrow, when i was unemployed i used to want that feeling of knowing it was Friday the next day and then the weekend.. i have no idea why.
when that alarm goes off on a Monday morning i really dont want to get out of bed and remember the days when i used to wake up at noon, stroll to Granville or go lie in the sun somewhere, see some shops, buy some things and make my way back to home for when Jame got there or even meet her at work, score some treats and do something random and now its a massive struggle to get out of my warm bed and into the cold house, into some cold clothes and onto the cold street, on the hot tube, into the cold street and to the luke warm office only to repeat later in the day HOWEVER i am enjoying the new job, sometimes my teacher is a bit rude but i imagine she is just as frustrated with me as i am with her.
I get to wear casual clothes, i get good pay and i am 30 minutes door to door so i have got it pretty good.
secondly i got paid today so after forfeiting all my pay to rent last week i can live breezy this week, having 1.63 pound in your account isnt the greatest of times but this evening when i thought i would just double check to see if it had gone through even though i just checked at lunch i was super happy as i would have had to walk home- 1hr10mins mind you... the kicker was that is was raining when i walked out! god i was happy i got paid, making silly noises and doing little jigs throughout the tube station because i was so pleased the gods were on my side.
Got home, made myself a real dinner for a change. good, good day.
Thirdly i got a new door.. doesnt sound that appealing but as i have the coldest room in the house with the largest window/door it is very nice to not see your breathe when you speak.
what else... I finished my scarf - nice big chunky one, i got my photos delivered, i got an appointment for my NI number, I saw Nick, I finished a whole chunk of emails that i was suppose to send a while back, i paid my money to the kitty account, finally received a pillow i brought a month ago from Cobrasnake and i have laughed a lot. mostly at Carlie and MTV.
oh and i finally got a post done, like a decent one, i feel like i havent done this is a while.
So it has been a good week, i think i will be sorting out my funds and savings next week, figuring out when i want to travel and when i will be coming home or when i will go back to Canada.. so much to think about and i am looking forward to going through it all again.
Good times ahead and behind.
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.
I am getting so bad at this!
I lay my plans out every night and this is always in the list but i can never seem to get to it, Jane distracted me immensely but a very nice distraction to have. more on her stop over later.
The job is good. Its nice to be up in the morning with a purpose and know that i have money coming in and also that i learning something and it is so interesting learning the ins and outs of a book publishing company, hopefully i can work some magic and get some free books, they don't publish fiction so they are all basically up my alley. Definite win.
Had a house party also but waiting to get the incriminating photos developed to go with the post but it was a very fun night.
Slowly everything is coming together. The weather is going to kill me and hopefully not literally. My room is the coldest in the house but hopefully that will change come tuesday.. double glazing, it doesnt help that i dont have carpet like everyone else either.
mood is definitely on a high.. come Christmas you may seem me in a new light but right now i am quite content.
till another time where i can find a spare minute...
I lay my plans out every night and this is always in the list but i can never seem to get to it, Jane distracted me immensely but a very nice distraction to have. more on her stop over later.
The job is good. Its nice to be up in the morning with a purpose and know that i have money coming in and also that i learning something and it is so interesting learning the ins and outs of a book publishing company, hopefully i can work some magic and get some free books, they don't publish fiction so they are all basically up my alley. Definite win.
Had a house party also but waiting to get the incriminating photos developed to go with the post but it was a very fun night.
Slowly everything is coming together. The weather is going to kill me and hopefully not literally. My room is the coldest in the house but hopefully that will change come tuesday.. double glazing, it doesnt help that i dont have carpet like everyone else either.
mood is definitely on a high.. come Christmas you may seem me in a new light but right now i am quite content.
till another time where i can find a spare minute...
When we say things like " people don't change" it drives scientists crazy. Because
change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy… Matter… its always changing. Morphing. Merging. Growing. Dying. Its the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to the way things were instead of letting them be the way they are.
The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication, that anything in these lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change - that is up to us. It can feel like death, Or, it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers and loosen our grips, go with it, it can be like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment, we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.
it is pretty hard to be inspired or thoughtful in a Starbucks. Having no internet sends me into a scramble when i get there because i feel like i am missing out and not just on Facebook and friends but also pop culture and what else is happening in the world.
I have spent the last week or so knitting and watching movies/ Tv shows to pass the time and while its nice not to have to depend on internet i felt like things were slipping away… jobs being one of those things.
one week already passed into the house and i feel like its going to be just right.
on our first night we played trouble, listened to music and lived liked squatters on a junkie mattress in the living room.
By friday we managed to buy and return a tv, get a lounge to sit on and come to understand Chico as a drunk.
one broken banister, a chewed on moccasin and hours of entertainment.
Come morning the guests of the night had left and everyone comes to my room for a sleep in. 5 in the bed anyone?
Simple and fun nights/ mornings like this make me certain that i will love the time i spend in London.
I have crossed off a few things on my list and now its a job i seek. employment.
Starting to worry about the money situation slightly but it will come good.
time time time.
I also started seeing a boy. I quite like him too.
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EPILOGUE11 years ago
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SIGNE12 years ago
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