We all know it comes together in the end, its almost like we complain so much we feel like someone was actually listening when it does work out, some higher power thought we deserved a break and low and behold! we got it.
I am no exception, i complain all the time and its more just to fill the space then anything, i always flip the coin and think about how lucky i actually am and i think that makes me not stress, i could not tell you how many times i would have written or said that "things could be worse" after complaining.
I remember this one time that something happened and i got a case of the "woe is me" and called mum and dad to vent because at the end of the day they are there to help and talk you through it right? I spoke to mum first and as my lovely mother does, she agreed with me and that is exactly what i needed from her, for her to listen and agree and feel my pain, when i was past over to dad he was more realistic, he listened to me bitch but did not feel sorry for me and said that worse things could happen which is 100% correct but at the end of the day i just needed someone to feel sorry for me and not judge me and to release any fears or concerns i had without having the judgement that some friends might pass.
I definitely need to sort things out in my head before i can pass a predicament onto a friend, we all do things differently and i am such a player in that game. I am the worst player really, never one to play by the rules and that is what leads to my demise. I guess thats why i quite like this forum, its all laid out in front of me and i hardly ever relate what i am writing in a direct way because that would be silly and far to open for me.
Sometimes i think i would love to be an open book, play it how it is, i guess i think that if i was like that then i would be more vulnerable and more likely to be judged/hurt and i hate being either but i dont know if it is worth the inner turmoil..
am i too set in my ways to change? does it really work for me or is it just the remaining product of my depression, the thing that reminds me constantly of how i was so i know where i came from and try not to get back there.
I always build things up in my head and maybe thats why the situation is seems better or worse that what it actually is, not enough outside opinion, is that not how i got depression anyway, keeping it all inside? BUT i also beat depression too... sorting it out on my own.
I have no idea where this post came from, not enough talking to the ones i love i assume, not enough balance. I am yet to find the fill-ins over here, the real connections, maybe i wont.
God, i am sitting here thinking about this now.
questions are filling my head.. am i being the real me over here? a little bit vacant, a little bit guarded?
What does it all mean to me?
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