This is Mine. This has now turned into my travel blog. sometime i may not make sense and you will just have to bare with me.. staring at a computer screen is a buzz kill. the photos will be mostly mine.

A new year approaches

How does the year go so fast?
this was suppose to be the year I had been waiting 2 years for and now that is 3 years ago?
This is my 24th year, my almost mid 20's year, the year my little newphew is welcomed into the world, the year i go home, the year i travel Europe.. this is the 1st NY in a long time where i wont look back on the year amd think to my self " What the fuck did i do this year?" because if i did then i am instantly refeshed of all the amazing things that happened to me this year.
If i go right back i remember the rough times.. Khalan, my beautiful niece that never got to be, a scare with a breast lump, another scare with potential cervical cancer, losing all my loved belongings to some dickheads in Peru. I think this year has actaully been the year i have cried the most since i had depression but it has also been the most fullfilling year, i have been and done so much, never laughed, smiled, shopped, got high, got drunk as much as i have this year.
Its sad to think that it is over but i am half way through this experience so not all is lost, i am still going to look back on 2012 and feel like i accomplished something.

The Winter Chill

Fuck me its cold.

Like almost ready to go home cold.. but i dont have any money.

I keep on forgetting that i need to write about things that i am doing here, if i dont i will forget and this blog for this portion of time is meaningless... to a point anyway.
So i went on my first pub crawl the other night, Christmas themed,  I had a really good time, stole some candles, had a mayo fight and got told one of the nicest things someone has ever said to me (not entirely sure that that sentence made sense, Fuck it).
I dont really want to go on about it but when i look back on this i want to remember it and remember the feeling of being so shocked as it totally took me by surprise. My new friend Patchy, right.. we have this relationship where we play hate one another, basically like the relationships i share with most boys.. anyway we had been pretend fighting all night when at one of the last bars he tells me that i am a "waste"..  now when i heard that i was like " EXCUSE ME?" - doing the usual banter however he continued  to tell me that i was a waste that no one had snatched me up and that i was still single, he told that i was really personable and it that he couldnt believe that i wasnt taken.. this would seem creepy and like a slight pick up line if he hadn't been in a relationship but he is and very happily i might add so to hear this it really made my night/ week really. So there is it the nicest thing someone had said to me that came out of nowhere.

Moving on... I went Ice Skating at Tower of London with Chico, Tess, Bridget and 2 other lovely girls that i cant remember their names.. Saw Chico fell, the funniest thing i have seen in a while, he is such an athlete but when it came to ice skating the kid couldnt find his bearings. it was fantastic.

We had our party. A close call with the cops. A lot of permanent maker drawings on my back. Some very bad photos they will not and should not be released to public. Men dressed as women. People dressed as pigs, cats, preists, devils, Princess, Nuns, School Girls.  My first back hand slap across some dudes face. Some lesbian hitting on me and a very bad confetti gun.

I went to a free gig for some Sth African Band.. they were ok but it was free so i did mind so much.
I have been the poorest i have ever been in my life and quite worried that i would not be able to pay for rent as i didnt have a job. I never want to be that poor again.
I had a sunday session in Camden. I danced in a box to the Spice Girls in Shoreditch. Played Jenga in a Music store.

I am sure there is more and i will post photos but right now i am cold and i need to turn the light off and go to bed.

There is no escape. You can't be a vagabond and an artist and still be a solid citizen, a wholesome, upstanding man. You want to get drunk, so you accept the hangover. You say yes to the sunlight and your pure fantasies, so you have to say yes to the filth and and the nausea. Everything is within you, gold and mud, happiness and paid, the laughter of childhood and the apprehension of death. Say yes to everything, shirk nothing, don't try and lie to yourself. You are not a solid citizen, you are not a greek, you are not harmonious, or the master of yourself, you are a bird in the storm. Let it Storm! Let it drive you! how much have you lied! A thousand times, even in your poems and books, you have played the harmonious man, the wise man, the happy, the enlightened man. In the same way, men attacking in war have played heroes, while their bowels twitched. My god, what a poor ape, what a fencer in the mirror, man is- particularly the artist- particularly the poet-particularly myself!

Today was a good day..

How about this week has been a good week...
Firstly its Friday tomorrow, when i was unemployed i used to want that feeling of knowing it was Friday the next day and then the weekend.. i have no idea why.
when that alarm goes off on a Monday morning i really dont want to get out of bed and remember the days when i used to wake up at noon, stroll to Granville or go lie in the sun somewhere, see some shops, buy some things and make my way back to home for when Jame got there or even meet her at work, score some treats and do something random and now its a massive struggle to get out of my warm bed and into the cold house, into some cold clothes and onto the cold street, on the hot tube, into the cold street and to the luke warm office only to repeat later in the day HOWEVER i am enjoying the new job, sometimes my teacher is a bit rude but i imagine she is just as frustrated with me as i am with her.
I get to wear casual clothes, i get good pay and i am 30 minutes door to door so i have got it pretty good.

secondly i got paid today so after forfeiting all my pay to rent last week i can live breezy this week, having 1.63 pound in your account isnt the greatest of times but this evening when i thought i would just double check to see if it had gone through even though i just checked at lunch i was super happy as i would have had to walk home- 1hr10mins mind you... the kicker was that is was raining when i walked out! god i was happy i got paid, making silly noises and doing little jigs throughout the tube station because i was so pleased the gods were on my side.
Got home, made myself a real dinner for a change. good, good day.

Thirdly i got a new door.. doesnt sound that appealing but as i have the coldest room in the house with the largest window/door it is very nice to not see your breathe when you speak.

what else... I finished my scarf - nice big chunky one, i got my photos delivered, i got an appointment for my NI number, I saw Nick, I finished a whole chunk of emails that i was suppose to send a while back, i paid my money to the kitty account, finally received a pillow i brought a month ago from Cobrasnake and i have laughed a lot. mostly at Carlie and MTV.
oh and i finally got a post done, like a decent one, i feel like i havent done this is a while.
So it has been a good week, i think i will be sorting out my funds and savings next week, figuring out when i want to travel and when i will be coming home or when i will go back to Canada.. so much to think about and i am looking forward to going through it all again.

Good times ahead and behind.

If i could have it back
all the time that we wasted
i'd only waste it again.
If i could have it back
you know i would love to waste it again
waste it again and again and again
I forgot to ask
sometimes i cant believe it
im moving past the feeling again.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.

I am getting so bad at this!
I lay my plans out every night and this is always in the list but i can never seem to get to it, Jane distracted me immensely but a very nice distraction to have. more on her stop over later.

The job is good. Its nice to be up in the morning with a purpose and know that i have money coming in and also that i learning something and it is so interesting learning the ins and outs of a book publishing company, hopefully i can work some magic and get some free books, they don't publish fiction so they are all basically up my alley. Definite win.

Had a house party also but waiting to get the incriminating photos developed to go with the post but it was a very fun night.

Slowly everything is coming together. The weather is going to kill me and hopefully not literally. My room is the coldest in the house but hopefully that will change come tuesday.. double glazing, it doesnt help that i dont have carpet like everyone else either.

mood is definitely on a high.. come Christmas you may seem me in a new light but right now i am quite content.

till another time where i can find a spare minute...

 I am going to Miss Jane very much.

When we say things like " people don't change" it drives scientists crazy. Because 
change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy… Matter… its always changing. Morphing. Merging. Growing. Dying. Its the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to the way things were instead of letting them be the way they are.
The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication, that anything in these lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change - that is up to us. It can feel like death, Or, it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers and loosen our grips, go with it, it can be like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment, we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.

it is pretty hard to be inspired or thoughtful in a Starbucks. Having no internet sends me into a scramble when i get there because i feel like i am missing out and not just on Facebook and friends but also pop culture and what else is happening in the world. 
I have spent the last week or so knitting and watching movies/ Tv shows to pass the time and while its nice not to have to depend on internet i felt like things were slipping away… jobs being one of those things.

one week already passed into the house and i feel like its going to be just right.
on our first night we played trouble, listened to music and lived liked squatters on a junkie mattress in the living room.
By friday we managed to buy and return a tv, get a lounge to sit on and come to understand Chico as a drunk.
one broken banister, a chewed on moccasin and hours of entertainment.
Come morning the guests of the night had left and everyone comes to my room for a sleep in. 5 in the bed anyone?
Simple and fun nights/ mornings like this make me certain that i will love the time i spend in London.

I have crossed off a few things on my list and now its a job i seek. employment.
Starting to worry about the money situation slightly but it will come good.
time time time.

I also started seeing a boy. I quite like him too.


Feeling slightly better than my last post.
i guess sometimes it is just good to get those things out and start to wonder, things cant be perfect all the time and when you have as much free time as i do then you are bound to wander.
but for now, i am in good spirits however not quite ready to answer the questions.
i need to settle myself.
settle in.

The pieces..

We all know it comes together in the end, its almost like we complain so much we feel like someone was actually listening when it does work out, some higher power thought we deserved a break and low and behold! we got it.
I am no exception, i complain all the time and its more just to fill the space then anything, i always flip the coin and think about how lucky i actually am and i think that makes me not stress, i could not tell you how many times i would have written or said that "things could be worse" after complaining.
I remember this one time that something happened and i got a case of the "woe is me" and called mum and dad to vent because at the end of the day they are there to help and talk you through it right? I spoke to mum first and as my lovely mother does, she agreed with me and that is exactly what i needed from her, for her to listen and agree and feel my pain, when i was past over to dad he was more realistic, he listened to me bitch but did not feel sorry for me and said that worse things could happen which is 100% correct but at the end of the day i just needed someone to feel sorry for me and not judge me and to release any fears or concerns i had without having the judgement that some friends might pass.
I definitely need to sort things out in my head before i can pass a predicament onto a friend, we all do things differently and i am such a player in that game. I am the worst player really, never one to play by the rules and that is what leads to my demise. I guess thats why i quite like this forum, its all laid out in front of me and i hardly ever relate what i am writing in a direct way because that would be silly and far to open for me.
Sometimes i think i would love to be an open book, play it how it is, i guess i think that if i was like that then i would be more vulnerable and more likely to be judged/hurt and i hate being either but i dont know if it is worth the inner turmoil..
am i too set in my ways to change? does it really work for me or is it just the remaining product of my depression, the thing that reminds me constantly of how i was so i know where i came from and try not to get back there.
I always build things up in my head and maybe thats why the situation is seems better or worse that what it actually is, not enough outside opinion, is that not how i got depression anyway, keeping it all inside? BUT i also beat depression too... sorting it out on my own.
I have no idea where this post came from, not enough talking to the ones i love i assume, not enough balance. I am yet to find the fill-ins over here, the real connections, maybe i wont.

God, i am sitting here thinking about this now.
questions are filling my head.. am i being the real me over here? a little bit vacant, a little bit guarded?
What does it all mean to me?

too deep maybe for a monday night? should i get settled before i start to question things? i guess at least the questions have been asked.. maybe ill just have dinner instead. much easier task.

I think the best thing about not working and having all this spare time would be discovering all this new music, i feel like before i didnt have the time.. working 14 hours day has that effect i suppose but i love it because not only am i enjoying a whole new range of music i am also associating it with my new home in London.
Stumbling on Bombay Bicycle Club and then sharing a ear piece with a stranger on a bus at 2 am or sitting on the tube in a less than perfect mood only for it to be turned around because Citizen cope came on.
I find i remember the feeling of something or an event much better when i can attach it to a song and i know that in 2 years when the lusting has died down it can take me back, i literally close my eyes and i can feel the movement of the tube or the feel the sunlight coming through the window of Jaymee's room or even sitting on Carlie and Matt's couch in East London in my interview clothes with   my headphones on and suddenly stopping everything so i can let it take me over.
The power of art.

Step 1

Find Salvation.
In a car where everything starts with the letter 's'.
On a road that never ends and company that never fails to put a smile to a thought.
Give me a time decided before I'm ready.
Give me the miles until I think in kilometers.
I'll give you the distance in days and the memories a life time.
Because I've been up and down and up again
and so have you.
Because I would not be here
and neither are you.
I would not be me
and here I am.

So tell me when it was decided.
Because I can't quite put my finger on it.

She finds the words when i cannot.
looking forward to the day where i can write something good and something that i am excited for.
I guess things are slightly falling into place, starting to get some temp work and have had a few interviews at recruitment places, have met all the flatmates and we all kind of know what we are after and i know that when the pieces all fit it will be amazing, all the guys are great and i know i will love them all.
what fun is it if there is no struggle huh? could be worse...

A classic post by me that first states how i could be better and how down on myself i am so i try to pick myself up by stating the fact that it will happen and its all about timing.. me and my time.
I guess it's not really about the situation but maybe that if i don't write it down it will drive me crazy even though i have written it on basically every post since i have been here.. which is close to 2 months which blows me away.. like actually blows me away but mostly because i havent really done anything, I went to Berlin, I went to a gig, i have seen some touristy things and had some really good nights out but its been 2 months and nothing much is different apart from a decrease bank account.
i think i am just on edge or anxious to get a place already.

enough bitching for one night? yeah ill leave it at that for a bit.

i had some other things that i wanted to write about yesterday that i actually wrote down on the day..
not much but i think i was really interested how they acted around us because essentially we were fans, most of us and although me and Carlie werent die hard some of the people came from Rome and all over Europe and some even slept in the park the night before in the small town the studio was in.
So i was interested in how they acted around us... or maybe not acted but certain things they did , like would the singer, in a normal session try and show off his mic skills and tricks? and Sir Bob always wore his mask, didnt take it off once even when they werent filming, why? Mystery? Ego? either way it was annoying and i perceived him as different than the others, almost like he was 'too cool' and the other guys were just chilled.
I dont know. this is just a ramble and observations. It just made me think and wonder.
They were all really nice and interacted with us so maybe it is just something he decided to do at the beginning.

Church of Noise

So yesterday was slightly out of the ordinary.
I was on the set for The Bloody Beetroots new music video 'Church of Noise'.
What can i say about the song? at first i wasnt so keen, i think i might be getting old because i dont appreciate dance music like i use to but i guess it just depends on the song itself, when they were doing snippets of the song during the day i thought that it was so intense and heavy but when we eventually stopped waiting around for 6 hours.. yes 6 hours we waited around and did nothing except get our makeup done, and we started the actual filming it was a lot better. 
The energy that those guys had when we got to the 'dance' scene i guess was so strong that you couldn't wipe the smiles off all our faces. 
The film clip will be amazing, dim lights, smoke machines, punks.
I cannot wait to see the result.
I dont know if i would do it again but i guess that would depend on the artist, its is a lot of waiting around and i dont even know if we will be in the shot because we left early. We got up at 6:30am to be at the shoot for 9am. We waited for 2 hours before they let us into the studio and then they made us wait for 4-5 hours till we actually did something because the smoke machine didn't arrive not to mention how long it took me to fix my hair after they teased the shit out of it and the time it took to get my makeup off BUT it was a fun experience and i cannot wait for the song to be released.

Continuing on from this missing home business...
I know that when i get home everything will basically be the same and had my friends be given the choice my grass would be greener than theirs but it still doesnt stop me from getting a bit sad when i hear about  things from back home like parklife, a yearly ritual for my friends and I and even though the weather was shit, as it is every year i dont like that i wasnt there with them or when a friend is having a bad time and i cant be there to make it that bit better for them.
it comes with the territory  but just saying...

really, it would just be easier and or better if everyone came over here for a bit?
I don't think i stop missing home, i am always completely aware that i am not in Sydney.
and this is what i miss.

I miss La Push.
I miss u29.
I miss OAF.
I miss my brothers.
I miss Barbie.
I miss Bone.
I miss Benace.
I miss Danielle.
I miss Soph and Mads.
I miss Mark.
I miss Vlad.
I miss Fran.
I miss Browne and Mel.
I miss Snow white - even though she wont reply to an email and i put her last because of this. tough love.
I miss my mountains people
I miss Sluzz Hillz.
I miss my Doona. 
I miss Randwick Sushi.
I miss the Harbor.
I miss Mumu.
I miss consistency.
I miss my wardrobe.
I miss a steady income.
I miss good tap water.
I miss the Beresford nights and that one time we went at 2 in the afternoon.
I miss the hugs and kisses.
I miss Bunny.
I miss movie nights.
I miss the hangover hangout.
I miss the 'lets go get junk food and hire movies even though it is beautiful outside because we are hungover/still drunk' sunday's.
I miss that the days are generally beautiful over there. i take it for granted.
I miss getting lost and finding something new.
I miss Frankie and Russh.
I miss Michelle.
I miss Cuffy.
I miss taking the mattress out by the pool on a saturday and having a few drinks.

Literally don't know why i just did that to myself.
lets do a rebuttal?!

I don't miss waking up at 7am.
I don't miss walking to and from work.
I don't miss a shitty transport system.
I don't miss being in the one place all the time.
I don't miss Hamilton Island. well some of it.
I don't miss being broke from saving.
I don't miss the price of clothing.
I don't miss being tired from working 2 jobs.

and i am sure there is more that i don't miss however i cannot be bothered to think about them right now.


A very fleeting journey to Berlin. 3 days.
It was a fun and messy.
I thought i was going into a reasonably quite time with my unit 29 buddies however upon arrival i hear that it is one of the last nights of Van Tour and although the whole convoy wont be there i will still experience a slice of what Jane and Zo, or should i say Nath as VT calls her, have been living through for the last 3 months.
1st item. Pub crawl
We leave at 10 to 9, it started at 9 and as most boys do they assume that this is enough time for us to catch the train and get involved. it is not. we spend at least 30 mins figuring out what platform we should be on and then 15 mins on the trains and then another 10 mins finding the bar.
10 o'clock and we arrive and as suspected a little bit too late, the executive decision is made and we will do a pub crawl tomorrow instead and just get drunk tonight. We are standing outside a empty bar but the question goes around as to where we should drink.. in the end the boys stumble on the idea of walking 3 steps inside.
1st round, 6 Jagerbombs.
2nd round, 3 Wodka and lemonades. (German for Vodka)
3rd round, 3 Tequila shots.
and this was all in the space of 90 mins.. maybe.
So try and imagine 17 people, give or take, pretty much doing the same routine in the same amount of time with other substances in a empty bar.
havoc. within 3 hours of meeting these people i had already entered into a game of Strip Fooze ball.
So i was wearing all my nickers, stockings, shorts and a shirt. Blondie wore a bra, leggings, singlet and a shirt.
The rules were that the defence had to take an item of clothing off when the opposition scored and then you switch places with your partner and so on.
1st goal lost, My partner gets her shirt off
2nd goal lost, I take off my stockings- which i might add requires me to take off my shorts first.
3rd goal lost- Liago loses his shirt
4th goal lost, Blondie needs to take something off but this requires her showing a lot of flesh so because i love her i tell her i will take off my shorts, my shirt was long enough to cover my bum.
5th goal lost, if i take anymore clothes off i am basically naked as i am wearing see through undies, top and bottom but so will Blondie as she isnt wearing any. She tag teams with Nath but that doesnt help the cause either so the boys come to a compromise... If i flash them they will call it a draw.
needless to say we drew that game and did not start another.
Last drinks are called and we all pile out into the street. One thing that i love doing- its weird i know, is punching guys BUT i ask them first and give them time to tense their muscles so its not like i go around the street punching random guys, i think i do it mainly to see if a girl my size could cause pain if i was attacked So i end up punching a few of the guys and then Dyl asks if he can punch me back, he asked nicely and to be fair i did punch him so i said yes. I tensed my stomach and immediately after i thought that i should def not agreed to this again or at least get them to punch my arm. This makes Dyl sounds not so nice but he was lovely and Marcia said she would take care of him if he got out of line..
Next club and its all a bit hazy, we dance to techno,we drink a lot more and i make out with 2 boys.
First Night done.

As you would think we woke up quite late the next day, got ready and headed out to see Berlin.
We got a map and followed it around to we saw quite a few things but because everything was in german, funny that, we didnt really know what we were looking at and we just guessed.
We did make it to the Berlin wall though, had a very over priced lunch, got harassed by a german man trying to sell me a fox fur hat, got a giant pretzel,  saw the jewish memorial and saw Berlin for exactly what it was, Beautiful.
We come home around 6pm to find everyone had basically just woke up. We hang out and then decide to watch a movie, we get into Whitebait with 5 in the bed and watch Man on Fire.

The last day!
As we had a early night everyone manages to get up early for the free History tour we wanted to do that day. We get lost a bit on the way but still manage to arrive on time.
Most of the tour comprised of things that Zo and I had seen the day prior but this time we actually knew what we were looking at.
Our tour guide Amy was really good and i learnt a lot about the history of Berlin, it was so nice to be in a country that is older than a couple of hundred years, i definitely want to learn more about it.
When we finished we went on our own Alternative tour, we went to this strange building that was 6 or so storeys that was packed with artists and graffiti, it was crazy but so unique. We all loved it.
Dinner was next, Buffet Sushi for 11 euro, we all stuffed ourselves.

As i had a early flight the next day we left the 'campsite' and drove closer to the airport.
It was the most time i spent with both my girls at the same time and while i loved the boys and all the stories i wish i got to be with them more, it was just like they said, we had been apart for 4 months but we just slipped right back to where we were. just like that. easy.

Berlin is somewhere i recommend you see and i have a feeling i will be saying this about most places but its truly is so beautiful, a city reborn.

About Me

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You may have noticed I am not all there myself